🔗 Share this article Navigating my Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start seeing any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again. Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they have seemed demanding, frequently causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want another man to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused. Every person’s intimate path varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know. Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.